How to Disagree Without Becoming Enemies

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We are living in an age when disagreement has become strangely personal. Someone votes differently, and suddenly we question their intelligence.  Someone interprets an issue differently, and we question their character. A  family member posts something we dislike on social media, and we quietly  decide we need a little less of them in our lives. A friend says something about  politics, religion, race, education, parenting, or culture that we strongly oppose,  and before long, a disagreement becomes a relationship crisis.

We have forgotten an important distinction: You can disagree with someone  without declaring war on them. Disagreement is not necessarily a sign that  something is wrong. Sometimes it is evidence that we are thinking. Healthy families, friendships, churches, workplaces, and communities will always  contain people who see things differently. The real problem is not  disagreement. The problem is what we do with disagreement. One of the first  things we must learn is to stop confusing opinions with identities. A person can be wrong about an issue without being worthless as a human being. Someone  can misunderstand a situation without being stupid. Someone can have a  different political philosophy without being evil. When we turn every  disagreement into a judgment about someone’s character, conversation becomes  almost impossible.

So, before responding, ask yourself: “Am I trying to understand this person, or  am I simply trying to defeat them?” That one question can change a  conversation. Second, learn to listen long enough to discover what the other person actually means. We often listen while preparing our rebuttal. We are not  really hearing the person; we are waiting for our turn to speak. We are mentally loading ammunition. Instead, try saying, “Help me understand why you see it  that way.” You may still disagree when they finish. But at least you will be  disagreeing with what they actually believe rather than with a caricature of it.

Third, lower the temperature. Not every disagreement needs to become a  courtroom. Sometimes the wisest words are, “I see it differently,” or “I understand your point, but I don’t agree.” Notice what those statements do not  say. They don’t say, “You’re an idiot.” They don’t say, “How could anyone  believe that?” They don’t say, “People like you are the problem.” They simply acknowledge a difference. There is tremendous maturity in being able to say,  “We disagree, and I still respect you.”

Fourth, learn when to stop. Some conversations are worth continuing. Others  are not. If voices are rising, sarcasm is replacing substance, or both people are  becoming more interested in winning than understanding, take a break.  Walking away from an argument does not necessarily mean you lost. Sometimes it means you valued the relationship more than the argument. And  that brings us to perhaps the most important principle: decide what is more  valuable—the relationship or the need to be right. There are certainly issues  worth standing firmly for. Principles matter. Truth matters. Justice matters. Faith matters. But even when we must stand our ground, we do not have to become cruel. Indeed, we have heard: “Let every man be swift to hear, slow to  speak, slow to wrath.” That is good advice whether you are sitting around the  family dinner table, talking with a neighbor, attending a church meeting, or  scrolling through social media.

Being “slow to wrath” does not mean being passive. It means refusing to allow  anger to become the driver of the conversation. It also means remembering that  the person sitting across from you has a story you probably don’t know. They have experienced disappointments you didn’t witness, fears they may never discuss, losses you cannot see, and influences that helped shape how they understand the world.

Imagine what could happen in our families if children learned that Mom and  Dad could disagree without screaming. Imagine what could happen in our  houses of worship if believers could discuss difficult subjects without dividing  into camps. Imagine what could happen in our communities if neighbors could hold different convictions and still shovel each other’s sidewalks after a snowstorm. Perhaps we don’t need fewer differences. Perhaps we need better  ways of handling our differences. The goal should not be to create a world where everyone agrees with us. That world does not exist—and frankly, it would be a rather boring place. The goal is to become people who can disagree  courageously without becoming cruelly divided. Speak your convictions. Listen carefully. Ask questions. Control your temper. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Know when to walk away.

And when the conversation is over, remember that the person who disagreed  with you may still be your neighbor, your friend, your brother, your sister, your  parent, your child—or simply another human being created with dignity and  worth. You don’t have to win every argument. Sometimes the greatest victory is  leaving the conversation with your convictions intact—and the relationship still  alive.

Dr. Max Rossi is the Pastor of the Christian Church of Rockland in Garnerville, Rockland County.