The Danger of Winning at Work and Losing at Home

By Dr. Maximo Rossi

The Home Front

Real Families. Real Struggles. Real Hope

There is a kind of success nobody puts on a résumé. You can climb the  corporate ladder, earn the promotion, build the business, close the deal, receive  the award, or become the person everyone calls when something important  needs to get done. Your name may be respected throughout the community.  Your professional accomplishments may be impressive. But what happens  when you finally get home? What if the person sitting across the dinner table  barely knows you anymore?

There is another question we must occasionally ask ourselves: Are we  providing so much for our family that we no longer have ourselves to give to  them? The fact is money can pay the electric bill, but it cannot replace a  conversation. Our culture often celebrates busyness as though it were a badge  of honor. There are husbands and wives who can solve complicated problems at  work but cannot remember the last time they had an uninterrupted conversation  with their spouse. Eventually, the people at home may stop asking for our  attention. And that should frighten us. Because sometimes silence doesn’t mean  everything is fine. Sometimes it means someone has stopped expecting us to  listen. The answer isn’t necessarily quitting your job or abandoning your  ambitions. Work matters. Responsibility matters. Providing matters. But  priorities must be protected intentionally.

First, put your family on the calendar. We schedule meetings because we know  that if something isn’t scheduled, something else will take its place. Do the  same with your family. Schedule dinner together. Schedule time with your  spouse. Schedule time with your children. Protect those appointments as  seriously as you protect your professional commitments. Second, learn to say  no. Every “yes” costs something. When you say yes to another meeting,  another assignment, another obligation, or another opportunity, you may be  saying no to something else. Sometimes the most important word in your  professional vocabulary is “no”—because it allows you to say “yes” to the  people you love.

Third, create technology-free moments. Put the phone down. Turn off the  television. Stop checking email during dinner. Look people in the eyes. Ask  questions. Listen without trying to fix everything. Our families don’t always  need another solution from us. Sometimes they simply just need our attention. Fourth, don’t confuse financial provision with emotional presence. Providing  for a family is an important responsibility, but families need more than money.  They need affection, encouragement, laughter, guidance, prayer, conversation,  physical presence and emotional availability. A child may forget the expensive  toy you bought at age eight. But they may never forget that you showed up  when they were afraid.

Fifth, protect your marriage before there is a crisis. Don’t wait until  communication has collapsed before making time for your spouse. Don’t wait  until resentment has accumulated before having difficult conversations. Go for  a walk. Have coffee together. Take a drive. Laugh again. Talk about something  besides bills, children and responsibilities. And when necessary, seek wise  counsel. There is no shame in asking for help. Strong families aren’t families  without problems. They are families willing to address problems before those  problems become permanent wounds.

Perhaps we need to redefine success. Success isn’t simply what we accomplish between Monday and Friday. Success is also who we become while  accomplishing it—and who is still standing beside us when the work is  finished. We are reminded that there is a season for different responsibilities and priorities. We need boundaries because our lives are bigger than our jobs. One  day, someone will replace us at work. The company will find another employee. Another person will occupy the office. Another name will appear on the organizational chart. The emails will continue without us. The meetings will go on. The business will survive. But your family doesn’t get another you.

The fact is your children only get one childhood. Your spouse gets the years  you are living right now. And time has a cruel characteristic: it does not  negotiate. So, work hard. Dream big. Build something meaningful. Pursue  excellence. But don’t become so successful at work that the people you worked so hard for eventually wonder why you were never there. Because when the  career is over, the awards are boxed away, the office door closes for the final  time and the applause fades, the question will not simply be, “What did you  accomplish?” The deeper question will be: “Who did you still have to come   home to?” And perhaps the greatest success of all is not reaching the top of the  ladder—it is reaching the end of your journey and discovering that the people  you loved were still there holding your hand.

Dr. Max Rossi is the Pastor of the Christian Church of Rockland in Garnerville, Rockland County.