Stephanie’s Adventures in Singledom: Divorce and Dating

BY STEPHANIE DOLCE

These days, it’s not uncommon to hear that someone is going through a divorce. In 2010, The median length for a marriage in the US is 11 years with 90% of all divorces being settled out of court. A 2011 study at the University of Iowa found that loss of virginity before age 18 was correlated with a greater number of occurrences of divorce within the first 10 years of marriage. And what also was so stunning was the fact that, a site called, PolotoFact.com, estimated in 2012, that the lifelong probability of a marriage ending in divorce is 40%–50%

Why are these numbers getting so high and when should you know when to “hang it up” and head for Divorce court?

First off, sometimes you fall out of love because you fell in love with who you thought they were, not who they really are. Especially if you got married to the person immediately after you started dating. You didn’t allow yourself to actually get to know who they truly were or as the saying goes, “Love is blind.” They say opposites attract and sometimes that can create hot chemistry. But once the sparks die down, if your personality differences become the source of constant conflict, changing who you are is not something that you should do. You’re unique and you don’t need to be a certain way: Just Be You. The right person will love you for WHO you truly are.

Secondly, If you keep fighting over the same issues, over and over, with very little progress, it’s a clue that part of your personalities just isn’t the right match. In my book, “Hello Love, Where’s Cupid?” I point out just how important it is to choose a mate with the right personality that fits who you are. You want to be with someone who matches your type of personality.

“Personality is the only thing that can make a relationship happen. Personality IS the relationship, not a part of it. You wouldn’t be with whomever you are with or are attracted to whomever you are attracted too, without making note of the person’s personality. In dating, the personality is the most key thing to keeping a relationship. It shows you as a character and how the two people can grow to like each other/not like each other. There’s no sure way to say which personality is best, because most of every one is different, but it is the utmost importance to be yourself with dating, because you could pretend to be some one you are not and have someone fall for you that certainly isn’t a good match for you. If you both act like your selves and grow feelings for each other, you will adapt and form a solid relationship.” (excerpt from “Hello Love, Where’s Cupid?”)

Thirdly, what leads people towards divorce is if you’ve reached a point where all you ever talk about is mundane things, like who needs to buy bread, milk, who is picking up the kids, etc. Lack of personal, intimate exchange in a marriage is a very bad sign, especially if you are talking to others. If you can have an actual conversation with someone other than your spouse, you are in trouble. (And by this I mean talking about everything else going on in your life other than your children. )

Communication is key is every type of relationship. If you aren’t communicating on a daily basis, you will create issues beyond your control.

So, now you decided to get a divorce. Now what?

Well, unless you are getting a divorce because you or your partner fell in love with someone else, it’s time to get back on the horse.

You might be hearing from friends and family, “You need to get out there.” But you’re probably feeling is either, “I don’t think I’m ready,” or “How do I even begin to start dating again?” Since I’ve seen so many friends go through it, I’m a big believer in, what I like to call, “The Take 2 System.”

The Take 2 System is quite simple:

The first step is to think about what you want, what you don’t want, and identified the deal-breakers.

After that, the next step is to be open-minded to the possiblity of finding someone new. This is how you know you are ready. It’s also best to become friends with someone first, not just jump head first into dating someone with all the “fringe” benefits. By that I mean, having sex. Sex is part of dating, but if you are seriously looking for a relationship then you might want to pass on sex for at least six months while trying to get to know someone for who they truly are, and not for what they “claim” to be.

Don’t date anyone that you aren’t comfortable with and don’t date someone that is “forced” on you because your friends and family think they found the “perfect” relationship for you.

Also remember that age has no limit. It should not deteriorate you from dating someone who YOU think you should. Love has no age limit. Age is only a number. Age has extremely little to do with anything that matters. Never let the age difference come between you and the one that can possibly be your soul-mate, because the saying is true: you never know.

When someone you love rejects you it can make you feel like you’re not good enough, but you have to realize that rejection is a sign that you’re trying to be with someone that you’re not meant to be with. There’s a difference between who we love, who we settle with, and who we’re meant for.