She’s dark, she’s dangerous, she’s RCT humor columnist Ella Steinbeck

“Gone Girl” – You say “hello” I say “good-bye”

HUMOR BY ELLA STEINBECK

It’s been the number one movie three weeks in a row. So, why won’t I go see it? The easy and simple answer is that I read the book. The one real twist has already been revealed to me.

The second reason- I usually don’t go see Tyler Perry movies at the theater. I hold off so I can watch them on the those tiny airplane TVs. There’s something about Tyler Perry that really makes the back of a Jet Blue seat come alive. Although, some would argue that this is Tyler Perry’s best performance ever on the big screen. Others would say he’s much better dressed as a woman.

There are lots of movies I won’t go see, like “Titanic.” I get it. The boat sinks. I hope that wasn’t a spoiler for anyone. I refuse to see “Moulin Rouge.” It almost caused my last boyfriend to break up with me. He said, “Why won’t you see it if it means so much to me. It’s incredible and I want to share it with you.” I was not ‘suaded. But here’s the thing, generally speaking, I don’t like the movies that the masses love. “Leaving Las Vegas.” Remember what a big deal that was? My version? It could have been a five minute short film. I’m drinking. I’m drinking. I’m drinking. I’m dead.

Would I watch “Gone Girl” for the acting? Nah. I’ve seen Ben Affleck act. He’s really good and I do like him a lot. I’m not even gonna mention the Bill Maher appearance but did you know he speaks Arabic and majored in Middle Eastern affairs in college? He lived in Mexico and can speak Spanish. He’s also directed some really cool films. “Argo” was intense. He’s a deep and brilliant man but he’s no Bryan Cranston and certainly no Meryl Streep. (refer to my last column about my favorite shows)

The blonde lady who plays the “gone girl,” I don’t even know her name and I’m too lazy too Google it, but something about her teeth makes me not want to watch a whole movie with her in it. I can be really ridiculous at times. What can I say? Ben and “Amy” both have capped teeth. That’s 64 caps too many in one film.

Gillian Flynn hit a home run with her book there’s no doubt about that. I saw an interview with her and her husband and they both appeared to be really grounded and genuine people. I give two thumbs up for that! I love it when people don’t appear to be spoiled by success.

Between reading the book and paying attention to my Facebook friends’ opinions in my newsfeed, I kind of feel like I have seen “Gone Girl.” The story definitely has a few flaws when you start to dissect it. The biggest complaint seems to be a question (spoiler alert) -if the people who ripped her off knew about her from the news, why not turn her in and get the giant reward?

Yeah?! Why didn’t they? And the ending? They are going to stay together and breed? Ridiculous. He’s not gonna leave her? She punished him for cheating on her but he’s going to continue to punish himself by not running as fast as he can out of that marriage? Aye caramba!