PREDICTIONS 2013

By the Spectator, John Maloney

Well, here it is, January 24 as I write this column. The Spectator is going to give his predictions for the year 2013, which as I said is already 24 days old. I didn’t do too badly with last years’ predictions. I did predict that the Giants would win the Super Bowl and I didn’t predict that the world would come to an end in December.

Here are my predictions for the year 2013:

• The Atlanta Hawks will win the Super Bowl
• To settle all disputes, Rex Ryan will be the new quarterback for the Jets. Mike Lupica the sports writer will be his backup!
• Lincoln will win the Best Picture of the Year
• Bill O’Reilly, the commentator and author, will write another assassination book. This one will be called “Who Killed Cock Robin”
• During a County Legislature meeting 10 citizens will fall asleep
• In June, the Journal News publishes a map with names and addresses of all children who failed this school year!
• There will be no accumulation of snow during July and August
• Men, digging beneath Grant’s tomb in New York, will find the bodies of Jeff Davis and Southern Gem “Jef” Stuart
• Derek Jeter will sprain his pinky on Opening Day
AJ Burnett, the Yankee cast-off, will pitch a no-hitter
• A Staten Island Ferry will crash into a plane at JFK Airport
• The governor of New Jersey will lose 150 lbs and be cast in a new film version of the “Thin Man”
• Five legislators will fall asleep during a meeting in March
• There will be a mud-slide in California in May
• There will be a mud-slinging in Albany during June
• In a surprise move, President Obama picks Donald Trump as Sec. of State. It’s a great move to lay the “Donald” out of the country for great periods of time
• The best seller on the New York Times during the summer will be “50 Shades of Black and Blue.” It’s a tale about a defensive end on an NFL team
• Lindsay Lohan will become a bum and enter the order founded by Mother Teresa in June
• In August, grave diggers have discovered that Mother Teresa has turned over in her grave!
• A report out of Washington finds that the surgeon general is bad for your health
• Bill Clinton has a concussion after Hillary hits him with a frying pan. It seems the slippers under their bed weren’t her size
• President Obama’s birth certificate is found! He was born in Bardonia. Bardonia Civic Association is fighting the claim
• During 2013, for every month, Saturday will follow Friday
• It will rain fire crackers on July 4
• In July, most of the retail stores in Rockland will be selling Halloween masks and costumes
• During the month of August, you will not find any summer apparel anywhere
• A mudslide on August 10 at Nanuet Pool cancels swimming for the rest of the summer
• Supervisor Gromack will have his 15th fundraiser in September
• Early snowfall hits Rockland County in late September. Chaos follows
• O&R promises that electricity will be restored in time for Thanksgiving!
• Fairway Store opens at Nanuet Mall in October. The first 300 people into the store get trampled
• Toyota recalls 5 million cars. It seems that when you stepped on the brakes, the rear wheels fell off!
• Many famous movies and TV personalities will die this year. But I can’t divulge their names until the next of kin have been notified
• Ed Lettre will announce in June that the final piece of downtown New City revitalization has been completed
• In July, it is discovered that the sewer pipes underground are not hooked up and go nowhere. All pavements and sidewalks need to be torn up
• Ed Lettre announces revitalization will begin in September and be completed in time for Christmas shopping in December 2014!
• In August, the Journal News publishes a map with names and addresses of all motorists who received speeding and “no parking” violations
• In October, the Journal News will cease publication. It has no more paper
• And finally, Christmas will fall on December 25, despite efforts to cancel the holiday

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