Bar Talk

BY THE SPECTATOR, JOHN MALONEY

While standing elbow to elbow at some of the more famous Rockland pubs, doing research of course, I heard snatches of conversation from the assorted patrons.

Unlike the phony conversations you see in TV commercials, this is what real people were talking about, and concerned about

· I’ll bet you can’t name the five Finger Lakes in New York State.

· You look like an intelligent woman. Would you want to go to confessions to a woman priest?!

· Hey, Bill, your brother is on the phone and I think he’s standing on a ledge.

· Obamacare is another word for “I don’t care.”

· Who knows the name of the clown on the old Hoody Doody show?

· Now, it wasn’t Alex Gromack!

· My wife throws out the Victoria Secret catalogue before I get a chance to see it.

· Hey, Murray, isn’t that grounds for divorce?

· Do you believe the guy at the end of the bar never heard of Dizzy Dean, Carl Habbell, or John Mize? I’d check his I.D. He must be underage!

· Hey, Maddy, the Clarkstown Senior Show is on channel 78. Let’s watch it for the tenth time!

· I’ll buy a drink for anyone who can name me a place where the American flag always flies and is never lowered!

· You think this wind is strong. Hey, Ed, tell her about the time you were caught in a typhoon on a “tin-cow” in the South Pacific.

· Hey, Malory, I thought you were drinking Johnnie Walker Red. That drink looks like Johnnie Walker White it’s so weak!

· No, Mike, Lake Placid is not one of the Finger Lakes. I don’t care if it looks like a thumb!

· Hey, Whitey, how did you do at Belmont today?

· I had three exactas out of nine. I may have won enough for a couple of beers.

· No, Jack, Lake Superior is not one of the Finger Lakes. In fact, it isn’t even in New York.

· I had nuns in school. For years I never knew they had hair on their heads!

· Hey, Kerry, you don’t look too happy.

· I just found out no more free drink when you get the bottom of the bottle!

· Jerry: I’ve seen so many doctors this past week, I think I’ll open up a hospital and hire them. It might be cheaper!

· What happened to the free peanuts? You can’t blame that on Obama!

· Anyone who would want to be a county legislator must be out of his mind.

· Whitey said he had a horse at Belmont that was so good that it took seven horses to beat him!

· Hey, will you turn off the TV? The commercials are beginning to look good to me.

· She can’t act to save herself. The only thing that saves her is her body.

· Hey, Kenny, you know a lot about sailing. What do you do when there’s no wind?

· Hey, John, in answer to your questions about the flag, the guys at the end of the bar said the moon. You owe three drinks.

· John: Check their identification and make sure they’re not astronauts.

· I wouldn’t want to be the owner of a restaurant when Jerry the Chef walks in. Last week he complained at the place that the plates weren’t warm and the salad looked like crabgrass!

· The Whistle Stop in Nanuet is the only place where you get a buy-back before you order your first drink.

· Hey, Madeline, you could make a fortune selling your macaroni and cheese!

· Yeah, I think it’s the only dish that Jerry the chef never complained about!

· No, I haven’t seen that guy lately. He either died or his wife won’t let him out.

· Have you seen the picture of John with President Obama?

· No, I don’t want to get rich!

· Talk about fun! During the last snow storm, I called the highway department and asked them when they were going to pick up my leaves!

· No, you can’t eat meat on Fridays during Lent—unless you’re Jewish!

· You can’t get near the Rockland Bakery on Easter Sunday.

· Hey, Richie, who was the first baseman for the Yankees after Lou Gherig?

· Hey, if you came from the Bronx, you must know that Willis Ave. has more bars per block than anywhere else in the world!

· I have to wear the neck brace while the case is settled.

· Hey, Whitey, what’s the over and under on the Jets and Colts next week?

· Hey, John, how old are you?

· John: When I was born the Dead Sea was only sick!

· What, you never heard of Myrna Loy in the movie “Thin Man”?

· If anyone can name one Finger Lake, I’ll buy him a drink.

So there you are, dear readers—some snatches of conversations heard while I was meditating on my Johnnie Walker Red. And, since I said, “Lake Cayuga,” I had a drink coming!

  bar talk, funny column, spectator