The Spectator: Things Could Be Worse

By The Spectator, John Maloney 

Well as of now, as I write, Washington D.C. is in chaos! Nobody knows whether Obamacare is going to stay or is going out like all the people who work for President Trump! The Mets are going nowhere and the MTA is a disaster. I’ve made a list of things that you know are going to make for a bad day when they happen:

 Your twin brother forgets your birthday.
 An IRS agent arrives at your door with five accountants.
 Your boss asks you how close you are to retirement age.
 You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
 You go to the bank to deposit your life savings and the teller is wearing a ski mask.
 At your bachelor party, your wife to be is the stripper!
 You reach into your pocket for your wallet and find another hand there.
 You learn that your wife was previously married to a Mafia hit man
 You board a Clarkstown Mini trans and discover the driver has a seeing-eye dog!
 Lawn doctor pulls the plug on your lawn.
 You forget to play a daily Lotto number for your friend and it hits for $3,000.
 Your high school asks you to return your diploma!
 You clean your chimney in June and discover Santa Claus stuck there.
 You find last year’s Christmas cards un-mailed in the trunk of your car.

Yes it’s a bad day when:

 The shoes under your bed are a size twelve and you wear a size nine!
 Your cat brings home a rare bald eagle in its mouth.
 Your wife, taking her driving test, backs into a car with flashing red lights!
 You go to a class reunion and nobody knows you!
 Pope Francis is asking you to leave Rome and never return.
 When your bride goes on the honeymoon with the best man.
 When aliens from outer space refuse to abduct you.
 You go to a legislative meeting and everything seems to make sense.
 You go to take a bath and there’s an alligator in your tub.
 The Avon lady rings your doorbell and she’s holding a shotgun.
 President Trump offers you a job as director of communications!
 Your doctor tells you to take one pill a day for the rest of your life and he only gives you five!
 You see your picture hanging in the local post office.
 You are swimming off the Jersey Shore and the swimmer next to you is a “Great White Shark”!

Yes, dear readers, there are good days and bad days. Thank God for all the good ones!!

  John Maloney, rockland spectator, the spectator