Senior (Life)Style with Eileen O’Brien

BELIEVE IT OR NOT DEPARTMENT: 

This columnist has been communicating with a dead friend for well over a year. No, not through a Ouija board or a psychic but via the USPS and e-mail. Our preferred method of communication for our friendship was not the phone, and we instead enjoyed the unpredictability of receiving a card or an e-mail full of news and funny stories which could be savored any time of the day or night. So when December rolled around my extensive search for just the right holiday card was initiated. Believe me when I tell you that not all Hallmark cards are created equal! I finally located just the right card and remembered that my friend had indicated that she and her husband were thinking of selling their forever home in Brooklyn and possibly moving upstate since retirement was in their future in the next five or so years. Using modern technology, I went to check her address.  I cannot begin to describe my horror and grief when an obituary notice for my friend popped up on my computer, indicating that my friend had passed away 15 months ago. 

At first, I could not believe this news, and thought it must be another person with the same name. Sadly it was not, and there was her smiling face beaming at me from a photo taken during happier times.

As this friend was married, had close family, and had shared our correspondence with them, I could not fathom how this sad news was not shared with me after all this time. How could this happen? When I reviewed the last year of my correspondence with her, I realized that it had become one sided. But in my book, real friendship is not tit for tat. Sometimes you give a hundred percent and sometimes the other person does.  

So why in February, the merry month of love for most people, do I share this sad and sometimes familiar story? In trying to deal with the grief and anger that resulted from the situation I have described, I have immersed myself in the wonderful world of research to enlighten my readers and myself about why and how friendships fade. 

A national survey found that while most adults value their friendships deeply, maintenance of those friendships becomes more difficult with age. A poll of 2,000 Americans by Talker Research found nearly seven in ten folks find it difficult to keep a large circle of close friends as they age. This comes out to a whopping 69%! Respondents also reported having an average of approximately four close friends. This research indicated that folks lose contact with approximately one close friend per year on average. Over the past decade, the baby boomers who participated in the survey indicated they experienced eight faded friendships. Sadly, younger folks who took the survey reported an average of ten faded friendships. Across the survey, regardless of age, men reported higher loss of friendships than women. 

So why do friendships end? The biggest reason appears to be geography, with 50% of those who responded blaming physical distance as the grim reaper of long term friendships. Following close behind was a major life transition followed by a breakdown in effort either on one person’s part or both people. Lack of time as well as a change in personal values rounded out the list. 

Knowing this, the question remains – where do we start in our journey of knowing when is the time to let go, when is the time to patiently continue, and when is the time to boldly travel into that new frontier where no woman or man has been before?

Since we all have different comfort levels, interests and limitations, I decided to start on a personal senior quest and share with you my efforts to treasure the old while opening up to the new. By now, you’re probably wondering what I did regarding my dead friend. After being reminded by a wonderful young person I know that, “Grief is love with nowhere to go,” I sent a Mass card as well as a donation to my friend’s favorite charity. While my friend can never be replaced, I can use my love to mobilize myself and encourage you to persevere with maintaining old friendships and possibly building new opportunities in your everyday life. 

My first “start” at this new effort was registering for and attending a senior coffee chat that just started at the Orangeburg Library on the second Monday of the month from 11:45 a.m. – 12:30 p.m. The seniors I met came from every part of Rockland County, and while our backgrounds were diverse, the one trait everyone in the group shared was their desire to forge new connections with others. The librarian who facilitated our chat was Event Coordinator Lynne. She started  us all with a couple of ice breakers and the group took off! I know I’ll be at the next meeting.

In the spirit of fairness, let’s see what we can try if we want to place a spark on what appears to be a fading friendship. Having lunch or dinner is always a favorite go to. A word of advice: don’t be vague regarding your intention about sharing a meal. Offer up several specific days, times and locations for the meet up to take place. Another idea is registering together to attend a movie or a class at one of our local libraries. Each of our libraries show movies on different days and have a variety of themes regarding the movies they present. Same idea with the multiple programs the libraries sponsor which are tailored to patrons’ interests and times of the day or evening folks find convenient. Health and Wellness, Creativity, History, and Special Events coordinated with other organizations like cheese tastings, murder mysteries and yoga are just a phone call or an e-mail away. You can be with old friends, meet new people who share your passions, and learn about other opportunities to enlarge your social network of friends.

Since this is the month of love, friendship and chocolate,  I want to wish my love, my best friend and husband, Jose, a Happy Valentine’s Day Wedding Anniversary and thank him for being the wind beneath my wings and putting up with me for thirty three years! 

And to all my readers: happiness is not made by what we have. It’s what we share! Happy Valentine’s Month to all my new and old friends!