Stephanie’s Adventures in Singledom: Friends, Lovers, or Both


** A Readers Request Post ***

When an avid reader asks me to write something to help them with their relationships issues, I gladly will do anything I can to help answer a readers questions.

One question I received is what are my thoughts about friends fooling around. There is a term that has been used for a relationship as this, and that term is, “Friends with Benefits.”

Friendship is one of the most essential factors of living a happy life. Some friendships may only be temporary, while others can last a lifetime. No matter the time length, friends are important as they offer comfort, encouragement, advice, and security. Friends are there to make you laugh when you don’t feel like being happy; they are there to give you advice, or also just to listen to what you have to say. Friendships offer guidance and support. Without friends, a person would be very withdrawn from the world; alone and insecure; unhappy and antisocial. Besides family, many of our friends are what keep us going and grounded. When we’re in need our true friends are right behind us waiting to give us a hand. With each friendship we gain something, and in turn give as well, such as life lessons, love or maybe laughter. When good friendships end, it really proves how important they are to our lives, because of the void that’s left when they’re gone.  Being happy, is not about what everyone wants for you, but about what you want for yourself.

Friendship goes beyond drinking, going shopping, watching sports, and sharing good moments together. It is when someone grow with you and except you the way you are. There’s no need to aim for a specific number of friends, either.  Some people benefit from a large and diverse network of friends, while others prefer a smaller circle of friends and acquaintances. There are also different types of friendship. You may have a few close friends you turn to for deeply personal conversations and more casual friends with whom you see movies, play basketball or share backyard cookouts.  Then there’s also another type of friendship called, “Friends With Benefits.”  What exactly is it?

Why does it seem that women use sex as a tool/reward/weapon in relationships to get what they want, in order to get their way while men do just the opposite?

(Some) men use love as bait to get sex from women, while (some) women use sex as bait to get love from men. Go figure, right? And they somehow think that this is a “relationship.” Yes, this is the  term, that is constantly being used today, but I can tell you that just because there is a term, it’s not actually what is happening.

Every “friends with benefits” relationship that I have heard about, has always ended on a sour note. Women process sex through emotions while men process it through the physical aspect. Mostly, they go “through the motions” especially when it’s with someone they are not emotionally connected too. This is where that whole game of giving the other person what he/she wants, never ends up turning into what we planned in the first place.

I don’t think its right for anyone, male or female, to lure a person into believing that they like them to the point where they feel there are having a relationship, when in reality they are just using them.  This brings me to a story of a friend I know. Anna was the type of woman who always had to be with a guy. She never could be just by herself, which is a problem in itself.  Anyway, she met up with an old high school classmate, John, who she never really dated back in high school, he was merely just an acquaintance. Well, as they got to talking, they realized that they were good for each other and started to talk to each other nonstop for weeks. Then after they had a few “secret” dates, they started to just sleep with other and that was primarily the relationship. John would call Anna when the mood struck his fancy, and like a fool she ran to his every beck and call.

This went on for a few months until Anna started to have “feelings” for John but John was in no way, shape or form wanting to get involved in a serious relationship.

They reached a point in their relationship where Anna wanted more and John was satisfied with what they had. Of course John was satisfied, they were having regular sex without commitment, which is EVERY guys dream come true!  Here’s where the communication lapsed:

Anna was at a point where she thought they were dating and involved in a serious relationship and  John thought they were just having sex. When you have a “friends with benefits” situation, this is mostly what you are going to end up with: a woman who “believes” that she is in a relationship and a guy who just thinks they are having sex.

Relationships take time and they are hard to find in this world.  So how can you tell when a guy or girl is actually interested in you- for you and not just as part of a conquering list? The easiest answer to that question is this; Every once in awhile, someone comes along that makes you realize-it is worth it. The best relationships happen unexpectedly. (Haven’t I said this before?)

We never realize the power of a single human being until one comes along and conquers our heart. When you force yourself to fall in love or be with someone you are setting up yourself to fall and to fall short of the relationship you deserve. Again, the best relationships JUST Happen. Those are the ones you are meant for.   Sometimes it is just better to stand back, go with the flow, and see what happens.

A man cannot feel the worth of a woman who doesn’t know how to respect herself and when you learn how much you’re worth, you’ll stop giving people discounts.

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