HUMOR: Who Needs God When We Have Smartphones?


She's dark... she's dangerous... she's RCT humor columnist Ella Steinbeck
She’s dark… she’s dangerous… she’s RCT humor columnist Ella Steinbeck

The technology that makes our smart phones so smart is no accident. It’s divine intervention. I have thought about the direct access smart phones allow us onto Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, email, you name it, for some time now and have come up with a conclusion. The smart phone was God’s exit package.  God retired from the “God ” job He’s relying on YOU and your smartphone. We no longer need a Heavenly being, creator of the universe, to watch over us judging our every move. We have the iPhone or Android  or whatever company made your invasive take- over- your –life- device to play “Big Brother.” Big Brother, as it turns out, is surprisingly small and it fits into the palm of your hand.

God has crowd-sourced morality. You can call it “social networking” but we are becoming increasingly anti-social. We can take a picture of someone we hate in a compromising position and blackmail them on line. Relationships can blossom without an actual meeting and then disintegrate over a status update or a “like” posted on Facebook. This technology has enabled one human being to destroy the life of another, gleefully capture the moment and share it with “friends” and “followers”. I find it disgusting. However, although seemingly negative, it can also be positive. The more we know we cannot get away with naughty behavior, the more culpable we become. Perhaps, this was God’s plan to make us better human beings. Or to make us paranoid. But it can’t be all bad can it? I mean let’s face it, Church and religion are clearly not solving all of our moral or political dilemmas.

steve-jobs-godI firmly believe the last prayer God answered was the one from Steve Jobs. I’m guessing Steve sent him thousands of emails. In return, he gave him the power and the glory to invent the iPhone. Of course this power came at a price. We all know what happened. Steve passed on. Before that happened, Steve and the iPhone/iPad had become the biggest thing since sliced bread. My theory solves the riddle: why didn’t Mr. Jobs seek a real medical solution to cure his cancer? Wasn’t this man a genius?  I think we can all agree that his decision to go with the all-natural-alternative –medicine-vegan-voodoo over actual science didn’t make any sense. So why did he choose to do something so counter intuitive?  It brings me to my answer- God was tired of being God and Steve made a deal. His soul was traded for revolutionary technology. Together they cooked up the smartphone solution.

I would like to imagine that God and Steve are both sitting on a beach in Heaven enjoying retirement. I’m postive they have their shades on, checking out babes in bikinis and asking them to text back some sexy pictures of themselves.

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