She's dark, she's dangerous, she's RCT humor columnist Ella Steinbeck
She’s dark, she’s dangerous, she’s RCT humor columnist Ella Steinbeck

I know nothing. Well, I know very little about the candidates. It’s hard to learn about them when they are constantly talking about who tweeted what and who called who a name.

So, I had to do what any good American does and I hit the inter-web. Who’s this Jeb Bush and why did they give him a hillbilly name? Was he the least popular Bush family member or did he lose a bet? Shucks! Come to find out Jeb stands for J. E. B. John Ellis Bush. Whew! That makes me feel better knowing he isn’t the embarrassing cousin from Appalachia and probably has all his own teeth.

The upside with him having initials that stand for something else is he could always start rapping. Rappers always have cool initials. It helps if you have a “S” though because you can turn it into a dollar sign.

Like any good Bush he attended private boarding school. This is important because if you are going to grow up and represent “the people” you should know how they live. Yes, you’ve sensed my sarcasm. The surprising thing is that although Bush came from wealth, pretension and was completely sheltered, he actually ended up in a hard to pronounce town in Mexico teaching English-albeit part of the prestigious Phillips Academy student exchange program, but nonetheless very much an experience away from the first world he was used to.

This is the part that surprises me. He seems more like a Democrat going to Mexico and doing charitable work. Maybe he found a part of himself was missing while living a fancy life. He met and married a woman he met in Mexico when he was 17. He even registered for the draft! This man might be the best Bush who ever lived! I’m assuming he’s bilingual. Why isn’t he playing this up more? He is a man of the people!

Did you know he worked for a bank in Caracas, Venezuela? If you have never been there, there’s no reason. It’s really dangerous. This guy has cajones made of steel. Oh, wait, he did work for a bank. Ok. Now we are back to money, greed, capitalism and wait a minute, that’s all very American too. He is an American and a Bush.

This I don’t get. He was a two- term governor of Florida. Florida is one of those states where every time I turn on the TV a doctor from Florida has done surgery on someone who has died or is damaged for life because said doctor turns out not to be a doctor or surgeon. It’s hard for me to trust a state that has so many fake doctors and pain clinics.

Yes. Florida is the state all those Oxy and Percocet addicts were “visiting” to to get all those pills that are credited for killing so many people. Yikes Jeb. This doesn’t look good. Get your big pharma out of FLA and get some control of the docs (and non-docs).

I guess I’m at a loss as to how I really feel about this man. My advice for Jeb is that he start appealing to the Latino community, nothing sexier than a wealthy white man with really good hair speaking Spanish. And let’s face it, Jeb isn’t brimming with charm or charisma. Maybe if he threw in some espanol he’d be a mucho caliente presidente!

Good luck J. E. B. . I’ve got my ojo (that’s Spanish for “eye”) on you.

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