Things Could Be Worse

By the Spectator, John Maloney

As I write this column, Washington D.C. seems to be in a state of chaos. There’s trouble with Ukraine, with Russia, with Turkey. The other word you hear is impeachment! It ‘s a crazy town and the rest of the world isn’t much better.

I’ve made a list of bad things that could happen to make for a terrible day.

 Your twin brother forgets your birthday.

 An IRS agent appears at your doorstep with five accountants.

 Your boss asks you, “are you nearing retirement age?”

 You put your bra on backwards and it fits better!

 You go to the bank to deposit your life savings and the teller is wearing a ski mask.

 At your bachelor party, your wife to be is the stripper!

 You reach into your pocket for your wallet and find another hand there.

 You learn that your wife was previously married to a Mafia hit man

• You board a Clarkstown Mini trans and discover the driver has a seeing eye dog!

 Lawn doctor pulls the plug on your lawn.

 You forgot to play a daily Lotto number for your friend and it hits for $3,000.

 Your high school asks you to return your diploma!

 You clean your chimney in June and discover Santa Claus stuck there!

 You find last year’s Christmas cards unmailed in the trunk of your car.

Yes it’s a bad day when:

 The shoes under your bed are a size twelve and you wear a size nine!

 Your cat brings home a rare bald eagle in its mouth.

 Your wife, taking her driving test, backs into a car with flashing red lights!

 You go to a class reunion and nobody knows you!

 Pope Francis is asking you to leave Rome and never return.

 When your bride goes on the honeymoon with the best man.

 When aliens from outer space refuse to abduct you.

• You go to a legislature meeting and everything seems to make sense.

 You go to take a bath and there’s an alligator in your tub.

• The Avon lady rings your doorbell and she’s holding a shot-gun.

• President Trump offers you a job as director of communications!

 Your doctor tells you to take one pill a day for the rest of your life and he only gives you five!

• You see your picture hanging in the local post office.

• You are swimming off the Jersey Shore and the swimmer next to you is a “Great White Shark”!

Yes, dear readers, there are good days and bad days. Thank God for all the good ones!!

  John Maloney, the spectator